Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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