Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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