i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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