Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
