Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
