tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
