dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
