Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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