Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
