I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
