I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
