i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize