Porn is love you can see.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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