I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
