youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
