the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
