Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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