just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
