I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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