my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
