did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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