Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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