His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
