Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Boobs speak an international language.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
i need some magic done to my vagina
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
