brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
