I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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