he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i would one night stand the shit outta him
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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