Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
