The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
