I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
