Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There r osticjed everywhere
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
