My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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