I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
