I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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