Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
