for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize