I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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