You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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