I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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