i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
