3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just pee around me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
