Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize