I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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