Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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