i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How naked do you want me to be?
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