I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
