The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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