We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
