Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
