you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
