I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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