my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
