I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
