That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize