He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
