I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
