she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
