highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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