So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
