Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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