If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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